Covid-19 Jokes

[corsair91]

What are kids doing during the quarantine?

Playing bored games.



When do you see symptoms from the coronavirus?

Right off the "bat".



I asked my Chinese friend

"How good is the governments handling of the Coronavirus pandemic?"

He replied "can not complain"



Why are blondes removing their breast implants?

Because Dr. Fauci said we need to flatten the curve.



What board game do spring breakers like to play?

Coronavirus Risk.



I made a joke about the coronavirus,
not everyone got it at first,
but eventually everyone did.



Breaking News

John Travolta was hospitalised after suffering from chills and a cough related to a suspected Coronavirus.

But doctors soon realised that it was only a Saturday Night Fever and he will be Staying Alive.



Meanwhile in Colorado

https://bloximages.newyork1.vip.townnews.com/gazette.com/content/tncms/assets/v3/editorial/e/52/e52b977c-62f5-11ea-a1d9-6bf142113d2c/5e67d07bea16a.image.jpg?resize=750%2C611

[corsair91]

What happens when the smog lifts over Southern California?

U.C.L.A.



What do you call the Chinese doctor who discovered the coronavirus?

Ho Lee Fuk



To the people who bought all of the soap & sanitizer leaving none
on the shelves for others...

I wonder if they realize that to stop the spread of Covid-19,
you need other people washing their hands too



Remember way back in the day when we did panic buying?

Yeah, it was when the bartender yelled
"Last Call"



Are you practising Social distancing ?

Yes, I'm on Facebook




I sneezed in the bank today.

It was the most attention I have received from the staff
in the last 10 years



Did you put your wanted ad in the paper yet ?

Yeah...
It reads:
Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer:
For good clean fun



Thoughts and prayers
going out to all the married men who spent months
telling their wife
I'll do that when I got time



Guess who is still doing hair, nails and brows ?

The Mortician!
If anyone wants an appointment with them,
keep on going outside...



Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.



Government: work from home

Lifeguards:

https://bemorepanda.com/files/2020-03-24/images/543236.jpg



Doctors think my girlfriend has COVID-19, and this has really progressed our relationship,
I mean, we're sleepin' in separate beds, something usually reserved for marriage.

[corsair91]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very, closely:
“Are – my – test – results – back?”



If we’re now allowed to sit on a park bench with one other person, two metres apart, I guess at least it’s a much-needed boost for the British spy industry.



With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.




Chaos Theory then:
If a butterfly flutters its wings in China, that will cause a hurricane in America.

Chaos Theory now:
If a man drinks bat soup in China, that will cause a toilet paper shortage in America.



As many of us move to virtual meetings and working from home during this strange time, we can all bond over the issue that everyone needs to MUTE YOUR DAMN PHONE ON CONFERENCE CALLS

[corsair91]

“Anyone else starting to get a tan from the light in your refrigerator?”


“Calm down, everyone,”
“A six-time bankrupted reality TV star is handling the situation.”


As an entrepreneur and business owner, thanks to this virus I was able to cut my payroll expense by 95%. I'm gonna have to rethink my opposition to communism



If a fart can get through 2 ass cheeks, underwear and jeans...

wtf makes y'all think the virus ain't coming through that mask?



"I'm Not Locked Here With You. You're Locked Here With Me."

[corsair91]

Covid Jokes

Apr 09, 2020


1. Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

2. I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on “Wheel of Fortune.” Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

3. I need to practice social distancing from ... the refrigerator.

4. Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter ... The Living Room or The Bedroom.

5. PSA: Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believing all is well in the kingdom.

6. Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job!

7. I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to Twilight Zone.

8. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog...we laughed a lot.

9. So, after this quarantine, will the producers of “My 600-Pound Life” just find me or do I find them?

10. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

11. Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

12. Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said: “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.” I’m offended.


My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary:

Day 1 – I can do this!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!

Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??

Day 4 – 8 p.m.: Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Day 5 – Today, I tried to make hand sanitizer. It came out as Jell-O Shots!!

Day 6 – I get to take the garbage out. I’m so excited, I can’t decide what to wear.

Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!

Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen.” You must gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going bar hopping.

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He’s a web designer.

Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1.

Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?

-- Lizzy Acker

[corsair91]

I hope the pubs open soon, I need to cut down on my drinking.


As if it wasn't bad enough being Dyslexic, now I've got the Racoon virus.


ISIS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes.


My cat just asked me if I want the radio leaving on while he goes out.


Americans, do you remember in "jaws" when the Mayor was so concerned about the economy, he told everyone it was safe to get back in the water?


A man in Saudi Arabia has been caught stealing hand sanitiser. He won't need it now.


Whoever said one person can't change the world never ate an undercooked bat


If you're worried about coronavirus,

Rest assured the pharmaceutical industry is working round the clock to find the most profitable cure.


As many schools across the United States close down due to coronavirus , it is hoped lives will be saved due to less school shootings.

[corsair91]

UK Post-lockdown chat up lines:

* What disinfectant are you wearing?
* Why don't we slip into something less protective?
* Until I saw you, I was just bored stiff.
* Why don't we get a Zoom?
* My PPE? It's made of boyfriend material.
* Would you handle my package if I left it outside for 2 days?
* I have bog roll.


Because of Corona virus, I have been "elbow handshaking."
I now have eczema, and life membership of the Freemasons...



HEALTH CHIEFS: After Covid you'll have a year of so to prepare for the next serious health issue which will affect half the country.

Cirrhosis of the liver.



Keeping some areas in lockdown but not others,

Is like having a peeing section in the swimming pool.



At this current time, apparently dressing up completely as the Grim Reaper and going and standing in close proximity to older people at the supermarket is considered "Massively insensitive."


The US has declared war on Coronavirus. As usual, they waited until it was half-time in Europe before joining in.


Oh how I wish it was January again and all we had to worry about was nuclear war.




UK Covid19 Infection Rates:

Prime Ministers 100%
Scientific Advisers ( and their married lovers) 100%
Health Experts 60%
Bus Drivers 10%
Football Supporters 2%
Pub Regulars 0%

Who do they shut down first and reopen last?




News: Los Angeles to reopen gun shops as "essential" businesses.

Just in time for the reopening of the schools next week.

[corsair91]

As Rick Astley once said....

Were no strangers to gloves,
You know the rules and so do I,
Corona Lockdowns what I'm thinking of,
You don't want this cough its very very dry,
I just wanna tell you how I'm sneezing,
Gotta make you understand.

Never gonna hit the pub,
Never gonna go down town,
Never gonna run around,
And contract Flu.
Never gonna make you die,
Never gonna go Shanghai,
Never gonna try a bat,
And infect you.

We've been In Quarantine for oh so long,
Your body's aching but you're too scared to say it,
Inside we both know what's been going on,
We know the virus and we're gonna slay it,
And if you ask me how I'm feeling,
Don't tell me you're too Ill to see.

Never gonna hit the pub,
Never gonna go down town,
Never gonna run around,
And contract Flu.
Never gonna make you die,
Never gonna go Shanghai,
Never gonna try a bat,
And infect you.



Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IO9XlQrEt2Y

[corsair91]

The kid I hired to clean up poop in my yard just realized I don't have a dog


Some people only write lockdown because they can't spell kwarinteen.


Experts are confident that washing our hands regularly will combat coronavirus but say they are expecting an outbreak of OCD.



I've just seen on the news that they are talking about rationing books

wtf is panic buying books



The government have announced that people arriving to the UK by ''plane, ferry or train'' will have to self isolate for 14 days.

It seems dinghies from Calais are OK then.



Boris says two weeks' quarantine if travelling to UK under plans for 'second phase' of coronavirus response.

He is also now filling buckets with water to put out the great fire of London.



Drug dealers you can go back to work.

Shop lifters you'll have to wait till July.



Due to the current financial situation caused by the Coronna virus and the slowdown of the economy, the Government has decided to implement the following schemes to help improve future employment and therefore stimulate the economy.

Workers of 50 years of age or more will be forced into retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE. (Retire aged persons early).
Those selected to be RAPED can apply for the SHAFT benefits. (Special help after forced termination)

Those chosen to be RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme. (System covering retired early workers).

A person can only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, but can be SCREWED as many times as the Government sees fit.

Those that get RAPED can get AIDS (Additional income for dependants & spouses) or HERPES (Half earnings for retired early severence)



For pre-Covid days I am yearning
The truth of this I am just learning
My predispositions
To underlying conditions
It's a choice between dying and earning.

[fleetp]

China got this virus right off the bat.

[corsair91]

Stepped on my scale this morning
and it said:
Please use social distancing, one person at a time.

[corsair91]

Covid-19 Facemask Theme Tune

Billy Idol - Eyes Without A Face (Official Music Video) 1984
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OFpfTd0EIs

[corsair91]

In Finland the COVID-19 guidance is 2 meters distance, but most of Finns feels it’s uncomfortable to suddenly get that close after hundreds of years staying much more apart.

[corsair91]

Some of these may already be posted in the thread


Coronavirus Jokes

Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story….

You know what they’re saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.

What’s the best way to avoid touching your face? A glass of wine in each hand.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?

What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.

What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst-kase scenario.

Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

You know who buys up all the toilet paper? Assholes.

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.

Why don’t chefs find coronavirus jokes funny? They’re in bad taste.

What should you do if you don’t understand a coronavirus joke? Be patient.

The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.

I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.

What do you tell yourself when you wake up late for work and realize you have a fever? Self, I so late.

Still no toilet paper in the stores. They’re wiped out and you’re shit out of luck.

So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.

What did the man say to the bartender? I’ll have a corona, hold the virus.

If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033? There will be a whole bunch of quaranteens.

Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.

I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.

Yeah, I have plans tonight. I’ll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.

Why didn’t the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head.

30 days hath September, April, June, and November, all the rest have 31, except for March which was infinite.

What types of jokes are allowed during quarantine? Inside jokes!

You know what they say: feed a cold, starve a fever, drink a corona.

What did the sick parent make their kids for lunch? Mac and sneeze.

Where do sick boats go to get healthy? The dock!

[corsair91]

https://bloximages.newyork1.vip.townnews.com/gazette.com/content/tncms/assets/v3/editorial/e/6b/e6b2be7a-775b-11ea-a32b-fb267c3f312c/5e8a098e6cb94.image.jpg?resize=540%2C617


My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands—that's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends." Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.