Covid-19 Jokes

[corsair91]

Covid-19 Jokes

Yes even in the midst of a pandemic there are Jokes


People live paycheck to paycheck

Landlords live month to month

banks and corporations live bailout to bailout



First Time in History,
We can save the Human race by lying in front of the TV
and doing nothing

Lets not screw this up



Prediction:

There will be a minor Baby boom in 9 months,
and then one day in 2033, we shall witness the rise of
The Quaranteens.



Protester Sign

Every Disaster Movie Starts
with the Government IGNORING a Scientist



If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper
for a 14 day quarantine
you probably should've been seeing a Doctor
long Before Covid-19

[corsair91]

Relief!

When you work at a bank and 2 guys with masks come in
but they're just robbing the place



Quarantine Diary

Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable
fold and supplies to last me months, maybe years,
so that I can remain in isolation for as long as
it takes to see this pandemic.

Day 1 +45 Minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix



Day 2 without Sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday.
Apparently she's my wife. She seems nice.



Quarantine - Things looking up

Jehovah's Witnesses know that everyone's gonna be home

[fleetp]

The barista at Starbucks was wearing a face mask.

Customer: Why are you wearing a surgical mask?

Barista: I'm not, it's a coughy filter.

[corsair91]

Friend in California
(unsuccessfully) trying to get a test for covid-19

Dept of Public Health:
" Have you been to any countries experiencing
an outbreak of covid-19 in the past two weeks?"

Friend: "Yes, the USA"




The Apolcalypse

What I expected - Zombies and Anarchy

What I get - Homeoffice and no toilet paper



I washed my hands so much due to Covid-19
that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced



Social media post

I made the mistake of telling my husband an early
symptom of Covid is loss of smell.

He's Taken to passing gas in my vicinity and then when I react,
informing me he is helpfully " performing a health check".

He taught the Children the technique

I may divorce him

[corsair91]

Eight day of self isolation and it's like Vegas in my house.
We're losing money by the minute,
cocktails are acceptable at any hour,
and nobody knows what time is it


If quarantine wasn't already depressing enough,
someone told the couples they should all instagram their first picture together



Turns out my top 3 hobbies are:

Restaurants
Bars
non-essential businesses



Feeling Gulty about your Kids watching too much TV ?

Just MUTE it & put the SUBTITLES on.

BOOM.
Now they're Reading.


Social Media post

For those who wanted a world with no vaccines...
here's the world without ONE vaccine

[corsair91]

Social Media posts


a picture of Darth Vader

Be like Darth Vader

Wear a Mask
Doesn't visit his Son and Daughter
Socially and emotionally distant
Follow orders


May the force be with you... If not the force, then gloves & a mask!


Closed Cinema Sign

Now Playing Everywhere
Home Alone



House Interior Door handwritten sign

Mum is in a Meeting
9:30-11 am

! DO NOT ENTER !

The answer to your question might be here:

Upstairs
In the Wash
I Don't Know what's for dinner
No
In your Bedroom
piece of fruit


Day 6 of quarantine:

my cat is still trying to figure out
why I'm in his house after 8 am


Stay at home campaign in Ghana, Africa

"We Know how to bring the economy back to life"
What we do not know is how to bring people back to life

President Akufo-addo, Ghana

[corsair91]

you wanted a reality show host as a president,
well now your're on Surviour


Social media posts

My wife spends hours with her niece today,
teaching her geography, maths history and
let's her watch a little Animal planet to break things up

When she returns her to her sister, she asks her to tell
her mom what she learned today.
Her answer.
The hippopotamouse has the most powerful fart in the animal kingdom
and flings poo with it's tail.



You have every right to be bored, as long as you've completed both Netflix, and YouTube.



The year is 2075

"grandma why do you like sitting outside"
me: There was a time this was illegal.



Female Social Media Post

Quarantining is a great time
to do that thing you've always wanted to get done:

write the script, organize the closet, learn a new recipe

Me *5th day on the couch*: I wonder what cat food tastes like



Covid-19 Daily Homeschool Schedule

https://medicine.usask.ca/facultydev/Wellness/covid-19-homeschool-schedule.jpg



A Conference Call in Real Life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYu_bGbZiiQ&feature=youtu.be

If in person meetings were like conference calls.

[corsair91]

some UK Social media Posts


Weird as everything is at the moment, not all parts of life have stopped functioning completely.
For one thing, sports commentators are still commentating, albeit on races across zebra crossings and bathroom plughole unblockings rather than actual sport.



Now the defining image of the last couple of weeks. All the Zoom quizzes in the world won't quench that thirst for just one small night out.



Airlines sending me “we’re in this together” emails. When my suitcase was 52 pounds I was on my own.



Take comfort in the fact that the amount of money you might have saved from not going to the pub, any restaurants or on holiday for the last month will be more than made up for during the years-long Rumspringa you'll launch yourself into at the first sign of freedom.



Social Distancing Pick Up Line

"I'm just a girl, standing 6 feet away from a boy.
Asking him to maybe move back another foot. Thanks"



To All The Single Ladies Out There

Let's not forget that rapunzel was quarantined
and met her future husband so let's think positively here



Social Distancing

I looked into her eyes, deep into the emerald green, my heart fluttered, I felt a connection, something deeper, something magical, I was transported to another place and I thought, blimey these binoculars are brilliant.



Not all heros wear capes...

But a whole dedicated bunch of them wear scrubs


So it seems that what we fear the most is the inability to wipe our arses


Toilet paper is out of stock.
Cat litter isn't.
You know what you need to do.


To be honest, staff at my local Sainsburys were under the assumption that I've been panic buying alcohol for the last four and a half years

[corsair91]

Finland just closed its borders.

You know what that means.
No one will be crossing the finish line.


Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed.
It’s about to get ugly out there.


"ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you,
but what staying home on the couch can do for your country"


Your Grandparents were called to war.
You're being called to sit on your couch.
You can do this.



Quarantine Schedule

https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMjg4NDE3NC9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYyNjAxNjk1OH0.mbDuSS18Shk-XAlScF7vp9-zWzhnPJIcMtQ_r0vpFvU/img.png?width=980



Government:
Due to the Covid-19 Virus, we advise you to work from home

people in the Navy:

https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMjg4NDE5My9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYwMTMwNDk2MX0.KiqPf_CPdeXSj1B8qQPSGqpke2JBLkg6ULNUfCik1NE/img.png?width=980


Picture of a Battleships game

[corsair91]

A plane has five passengers on board: Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Hillary Clinton, and Greta Thunberg.

The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Dr Fauci says "I need one! I have to help develop a cure for the global
health crisis that is Covid-19!"

He takes one and jumps.

The Pope says "I need one! I have to help spiritually guide people through
the global health crisis that is Covid-19!"

He takes one and jumps.

Donald Trump says ''I need one! I'm the smartest man in the USA!"

He takes one and jumps.

Hillary Clinton says to Greta Thunberg, "You take the last parachute. My
public life is over and yours has only begun."

Greta Thunberg says ...

"Don't worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA
took my backpack."

[corsair91]

Coronavirus song to the theme from the Banana Split Show

One corona, two corona, three corona four
That is way too many and you don’t want any more
Call it a pandemic or else maybe it’s a hoax
But get yourself a facemask before everybody croaks

Some chinese guy ate a bat
And it’s knocked the whole world flat
Turns out there’s no cure for that

Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la
Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la
Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la
Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la


Four corona, three corona Two corona, one
Flattening the curve and maybe saving everyone
Putting on a facemask can mean looking like a dork.
But if we don’t we are gonna end up like New York

Sitting here in quarantine
Reading some old magazine
Drinking fish tank chloroquine

Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la
Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la
Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la
Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la


Two corona, four corona, one corona three
We can’t even count them right or so it seems to me
Practice social distancing, please give it a try
If you don’t if you won’t, Granny’s gonna die

Practice social isolation
And maintain your concentration
Or else you’ll need ventilation

Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la
Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la
Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la
Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la

[corsair91]

"This is your pilot speaking. I’m working from home today”.



Why would COVID-19 won’t do any harm to Hollywood actor Tom Hanks?

“He has already survived a World War, being stranded on an island, being stranded at an airport, a failed moon landing, an emergency flight landing on the river and a ship hijacking,”



“Important questions to ask your pet if you’re working from home: Are you at work? Are we working together? Did you forget to wear your pants? Are we coworkers? Are you the employee of the month? Are you my supervisor? Who hired you?”



“Coronavirus won’t last long because it was made in China,”



“For office folks suddenly working from home: Drink water, get sunlight and you’re basically a house plant with more complication emotions,”



“It’s been almost a week me and wife are working from home due to coronavirus situation. I think we will kill each other before the virus does!”

[corsair91]

Why are people hoarding toilet paper?

Because when one person coughs or sneezes, everyone else shits themselves.



What's more dangerous than the Coronavirus pandemic?

Misinformation.



Coronavirus Jokes are funny when you don't have any symptoms!




What's the difference between a Chinese zoo and an American zoo?

A Chinese zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.




Don't want your friends to come over and drink all your beer during the quarantine?

Just tell them you have a case of Corona.



What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when his agent started coughing?

"I'll be back.......in 14 days"



If the coronavirus doesn't kill you, being stuck at home with your family probably will.



Dear Costco shoppers, you cannot eat toilet paper!



This is the only time you can walk into a bank with a mask on and not get in trouble.




Good News, Bad News

A man and his wife went to the doctor.
The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
"Your wife has the coronavirus."
"Jeez! What could possibly be good news."
"She didn't get it from you."



Dog Park
As stay at home orders were being relaxed, a woman goes to a dog park and sees a man sitting on the bench and crying.
The woman, in a consoling manner, says to the man "I'm sorry for your loss."
The man replies "These are actually tears of joy, before the coronavirus pandemic I was going to lose my business, my house and my family. Now I'm making more money than I ever dreamed of."
The woman, a bit purplexed, asks "Do you work in the healthcare industry?"
The man laughingly answers "No, I'm a divorce attorney."

[corsair91]

hydroxychloroquine

a drug taken by US President Donald Trump to combat covid-19


potential side effects are:


Dangerously rapid heart rate
Abnormal heart rhythms
Problems with the heart muscle properly recharging between beats
Issues with the heart's ability to pump blood around the body
Severe hypoglycemia
Rupturing of red blood cells
Low counts for platelets and red and white blood cells
Liver failure
Kidney failure
Increased risk of seizures
Psychosis
Delirium
Suicidal behaviour
Hallucinations
Retina damage


Trump's Financial interest in hydroxychloroquine

https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/apr/09/facebook-posts/trump-has-tiny-financial-stake-company-manufacture/

Smell the snake oil salesman!


This drug is used to treat malaria and autoimmune conditions like lupus and rheumatoid arthritis.

If you are sourcing this for Covid-19 reasons, you are wasting your
money and others actually need this more than you.

[fleetp]

What's the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.

I'd tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.