Random-jokes-not-worth-their-own-thread

[corsair91]

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!


Soccer is a strange game.

It’s a bunch of people running away from their goals.


What is the hardest thing about skateboarding?

Concrete.


I asked my trainer at the gym if I could start shadow boxing.

He said, “Knock yourself out!”


My friend and I visited Canada together for the first time.

We went to a fight, and a hockey game broke out.


Why couldn’t the dog run in the marathon?

Because he wasn’t a part of the human race!


What is cardboard’s favorite sport?

Boxing.


If procrastination was an Olympic sport,

I’d compete in it later.

[corsair91]

Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive.

It’s called wedding cake.


Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer
with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.


To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.


Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.


Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.


A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.


You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.


What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement?

A hardened criminal.


A rich man is one who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.


The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.


You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, and lie about your age.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.


I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus.


What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?

A cab.

[corsair91]

Why aren’t dogs good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.


How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.
The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the world revolves around him.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb?

One,
but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


Statistician:
a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an
unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.


What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.


Two men walk into a bar.

You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.

[fleetp]

Some college girls are painting their apartment on a hot summer day. One tells them to hurry up and finish because the blind man is coming. The girls get so hot from working in the heat that one suggests they take their tops off to cool down. Another says, 'OK, I guess it’s just a blind man that’s coming.' The blind man arrives and says, 'Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?'"

[corsair91]

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.


Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast


What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Thanks— I’ll never part with it!


What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?

This tastes a little funny.


What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.


What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

Envelope.


Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

[Pirate]

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.

[corsair91]

"How many mines does it take to make a minefield?"

"None. Just put up a sign."

[fleetp]

Holiday humor (?):
What does a cat have when it come home from visiting the beach?
Sandy Claws.

Sorry about that, that joke was one of my dad's Christmas jokes.

[Pirate]

[Pirate]

Why did Fleetp put his money in the blender?

Because he wanted to make some liquid assets!

She asked her husband to do lunges to stay in shape.

That was a big step forward.

Why did the blond bring a ladder to the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

My wife told me I should embrace my mistakes.

So I gave her a hug and said, "You were right."

Why did the modal citizen bring a pencil to bed?

In case he wanted to draw the curtains.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me.

She said, "Yes, about you doing the dishes."

Corsair told us he could tell a joke about unemployment.

But unfortunately, none of them work.

[fleetp]

What do you call two ducks and a cow?

Quakers and milk.

[corsair91]

What do you call a pirate's hairstyle?

A crew cut!



Did you hear about those pirate ships that were by the Ottoman Empire and tried for thievery?

Regrettably, all hands were lost!



Did you know ghost pirates refuse to tell their kids bedtime stories?

Turns out dead men tell no tales…

[corsair91]

Reportedly a Monty python Joke.


Why is American beer so similar to making love to a woman in a canoe ?

Because they are both so fraking close to water!


(American beers (other than craft beers) have a general reputation in Europe for being well watered with the cheapest possible, sometimes weird ingredients such as in some beers, rice (saki!), to make up for the poor local yeast compared to European yeast.
If you bought a bottled water, you would have less water than in the beer!
and that American beer is the consistency already going in, that it is going
to come out in.)


American Tourist in the UK to a UK native,
Do you guys celebrate Independence day ?

Answer, No its just another Thursday

UK native had to remind the shocked US Tourist,
just who exactly you are celebrating independence from
and that the UK has a choice of over 60 independence days
from the UK to choose from, if it wanted to start
celebrating any of them. (not including schlok movies)


The US embassy in London & US expats in the UK do celebrate
Independence day and some UK Bars do offer themed events
or functions and there will be Beer, expect the locals to stick
with mostly local beers.

When they mean red white & blue - not the UK, French or Russian Flags
but rather a variation of the East India Company Flag,
which inspired the 1775 Grand Union Flag,
the first flag of the United States.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flag_of_the_East_India_Company

[fleetp]

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the “P” is silent.

[corsair91]